How to Say No
This two letter word can be so hard for some of us to say. But setting boundaries, prioritizing yourself, and advocating for yourself is so f***ing important. Learning to be a better no-sayer is a muscle, so let’s start flexing it.
Why is saying “no” so difficult? We think it reflects poorly on us - that it reflects negatively on our work ethic. We are people pleasers that have trouble disappointing others (though we have no trouble disappointing ourselves - but I’ll leave that for you and your therapist to unpack). We also may be in a power-dynamic where it’s extremely uncomfortable and awkward to say no.
I’ll tell you though. If you are a person that has trouble saying no… I really don’t think people think you’re entitled or not a team player. You’ve probably already proven yourself time and time again to be willing to put in the work. And also f*** these a**holes who don’t give us the same energy back when we need help. Instead of being so worried about other people, I encourage you to put yourself first. And you can start with saying no.
Ways You Say No:
Say No Upfront. “Do you have any availability?” “No.” “Can you work on this?” “No.” “Are you busy?” “Yes.” So that last one was a “yes,” but the context is, “no, I don’t have time for your bulls***.” This is your first line of defense and the first invitation to set a boundary. The request rarely stops here, but this is step one. Vocalizing that you in fact have a full workload does not mean you’re a s***ty employee. You are simply stating a fact. If a project suffers because you’re busy, it’s because there’s a staffing issue - which has nothing to do with you (I guess, unless you’re in charge of staffing, then maybe it does).
Say No Again. So simply responding, “No, I don’t have the capacity,” sometimes isn’t enough. Because these f***ers are out here asking you questions when they don’t want to hear the answer. So you’re going to have to say no again in a different way. “My personal goals are to create products I’m proud of and to be a team player. Taking this on would stretch me too thin. This would cause the quality of my deliverables to suffer and would not be fair to the teams I’m currently working with.” The goal here is to provide a “why” in a way that is firm and clear. Fortify your boundary, do not leave the person thinking your “no” is up for negotiation.
Put the Burden on Them. “This is a list of my projects and upcoming deadlines. Which one of these things are you telling me to sacrifice for the task you’re asking me to take on?” Sassiness in tone is totally optional, but the idea is to get the other party to either 1) realize how trivial their request is over your current workload or 2) take responsibility for your other tasks suffering. If they do direct you to move one of your other tasks to the back burner, make sure you have IN WRITING that it was their directive. Always. Keep. Receipts.
Mistakes to Avoid:
Always Saying Yes. Being the go-to person or the team player in reality is pretty f***ing thankless. Really take a good hard look at your actions and the consequences. I think you’ll find that, frankly, no one really give a s***. You’re not getting recognized, praised, or promoted. That guy over there doesn’t do jack s*** and no one cries boo. And you’re out here bending over backwards for what? Just to be taken advantage of over and over again? NOT ANYMORE.
Giving a Reluctant Yes. This is the mistake I always make. “If you’re really, really, really, REALLY desperate and there's literally no one else that can do the job. I guess I will be a team player and help out as much as I can.” People are a**holes. They don’t read between the lines or care about the subtext of reluctance. If you give them an opening, they’re going to take it. And in the end, you’re the only one that’s screwed. They don’t know what you’re sacrificing to take on the task. You’re the only person that really knows what’s on your plate, so you need to be resolute and advocate for yourself.
Surprised by the Workaround. There are going to be s***heads that try a workaround. They will have zero respect for your no, and they will go to your boss and complain. Much like a petulant spoiled little b****, they will whine about not getting their way. Just be aware that this might happen, so that you’re not caught off guard. You need to be prepared to stand true to your boundaries when it comes at you from a different direction.
Now practice with me. No. No. No no no no. NOOOOOOOOO. Nope. Hard pass. NoOoOoOo. F*** NO.