You F***ed Up
You offended someone. You microaggressed. Your unconscious bias informed your decision. You f***ed up... It happens. Nobody’s perfect. But it is how we address our mistakes that matters.
There’s no simple equation that can address every f*** up in the book, but here are a few ways I recommend you approach your mistakes. Let’s try to approach this with humility and compassion.
Don’t be defensive. Subconsciously you might be thinking, “Let me defend myself. This is uncomfortable. I should prove that I’m not that bad.” But let me tell you: Being on the defensive doesn’t make you look better, it just makes you look like an a**. You already stepped in it, let’s not make it worse. The best thing you can do now is turn off your defenses. Stop explaining your state of mind. Stop correcting sequences of events. Stop bringing in additional context. Stop noting instances of similar behavior by others. Stop listening only to find space to retort. We’re not here to redefine what happened because it already happened. There was already an impact. We’re here to swallow our pride, take a step back, and really listen to the other person’s point of view.
Discuss the impact. A lot of us can get caught up in exactly what happened. The problem with this approach is that it brings too much emphasis on events and intent. Events and intent can be distorted through the lens of perspective. Events and intent can invite people to defend or correct the speaker. But it’s like, who cares about the exact order of events or the exact phrasing that was used? If someone experienced fear, trauma, discomfort… let’s really listen to them and focus our attention to the impact. Putting an emphasis on impact allows us to understand the underlying themes and issues, so we don’t continue making variations of the same mistake.
Give a real apology. Something on the lines of, “Oh s***, you’re totally right. I f***ed up. I’m so sorry for [my action]. I wish I had known better, but I realize now that [my action] caused [an impact to you]. Thank you for telling me and keeping me accountable. I will do what I can to [fix my mistake] [today] and I will do my best to be better in the future.” Don’t get too caught up in the formula of an apology because that can come off as disingenuous. But just understand that real apologies have a few key ingredients:
Sincerity. If you’re not sincere, what are you even doing here. I obviously don’t speak for everyone. But I, personally, would rather you shut the f*** up and get out of my face than give me a fake-a** apology.
Ownership. You caused this. Don’t make excuses for yourself. Don’t shift blame. Own it as your own mistake.
Acknowledgment of impact. There were consequences to your actions. It’s important to understand and acknowledge the impact.
Create a safe environment. Make it be known that you appreciate the courage it took for the person to bring it up. You want to make sure you don’t shut down lines of communication by creating an environment where people don’t feel comfortable bringing things to your attention.
Action to address the current situation. If there’s something you can do to help fix what you did, do it. And if it’s appropriate, try to set a timeframe for accomplishing this fix. This allows the other person to have a clear expectation of how and when actions will be taking place.
Action to address the future. A true apology is a pledge to do better. For more info, see point below.
Do better. If you followed the advice above, you have dealt with the current situation. But now that you’re more aware of your fallibility, let’s take time to make sure we do better in the future. Take the time to do some internal work to learn from this mistake. Use your power or privilege to instigate policy change at a higher level. Educate yourself and others. We should always be striving to be better people. Let’s not make the same mistake twice.