The Art of Passive Aggressive Emails
The art of passive aggressive emails is something we all master after years of dealing with the idiots that work amongst us. Being direct and calling the idiot an idiot is not exactly work appropriate. On the other hand, not addressing your rage is completely dissatisfying. You eventually learn to find the perfect sweet spot of secretly calling people out while still under the umbrella of professionalism.
A well-written passive aggressive email calls a person out while being completely innocuous when read by others. It should really be about reading in between the lines. A “see below” can be read as “see below, friend!” or “see below, you f***ing idiot” depending on your tone. For a few example situations, read on or… see below.
Tynnyfer asks for information that was clearly in your original email.
What you want to say: Do you know how to read? Or do you just enjoy wasting my time?
How to Respond: You could say something along the lines of, “Per my previous email” and provide the information. OR “See below” and highlight the relevant text in the email chain. OR just attach the file/email with zero text in the body of the email.
Mona Lisa tells you to do something that’s clearly outside your scope of work.
What you want to say: Nice try. But there’s no way you’re not getting me to do something that’s not at all my job. Especially when I hate you so much.
How to Respond: Loop in the person who should be handling the work into the email chain and let them know what’s being requested. OR Say something along the lines of, “This appears to be beyond our current scope. We’d be happy to prepare a proposal for you, if you are interested in exploring this option.” OR Say, “Per page 3 of our proposal, this is outside of our scope.”
Jean Ralphio is taking his sweet a** time doing his part of the work. Sometimes he comes up with lame excuses like other projects taking up his time. Sometimes you can clearly see him playing on his phone. Other times he ignores you completely.
What you want to say: Can you do your f***ing JOB? Literally everyone here is working on multiple things, you’re not special.
How to Respond: You could say, “Just checking in on the Paunch Burger project. Keep me updated.” OR Say, “Please get this to me by the end of the day.” When you really need it tomorrow, giving yourself extra time when he is inevitably late. OR Really get your hands dirty and email him a reminder while CC’ing her boss (this is definitely more aggressive than passive aggressive, but desperate times can call for desperate measures).
No matter what you say or do, Levondrius always responds with a passive aggressive email.
What you want to say: Did you somehow fall into a vat of radioactive sewage and come out a superhuman a**hole or were you just born this way?
How to Respond: So we’ve been a little passive aggressive to Tynnyfer, Mona Lisa, and Jean Ralphio, and may be getting a little taste of our own medicine here. But whatever you do, avoid apologizing to this dude. He sucks and doesn’t deserve it. Respond with concise, direct, and factual responses. If he sends you the file with zero text, you can say “Received.” If you received an onslaught of reminders, you can say, “I have received your emails, and will respond when I have the answers.” If he CC’s your boss, you can fwd the email to your boss and say, “Would you like to be looped in on this?”