New Year, New Allies
It’s a new year and with that comes new year's resolutions. This year let’s all aim to be better allies. How can we do this? Glad you asked. I’ve made it real simple for you all by breaking it down into just four actionable items you can start doing today.
1. AMPLIFY VOICES: Use your voice to amplify the voices of others.
Explanation: For those of you who may not be aware, not everyone is listened to equally. I can’t tell you how many times my words have fallen onto deaf ears. Sometimes another person takes credit for my exact idea later and it’s praised as ingenious. Sometimes no one listens, it bites everyone in the a** later, and I’m criticized for not speaking up more than I did. When this happens consistently, it can be incredibly disheartening and you’re trained to doubt yourself and your value.
How To: First you need to strive to always be an active listener. Then use your voice to amplify that of others. Here are a couple ways to do this, complete with examples.
Talk them up when they’re not around: “I was talking to Michelle the other day, and she had a great idea about improving sandwiches. She really is our resident expert in sandwichology.”
Emphasize what they said: “I like Michelle’s idea about putting chips on a sandwich. I think we should explore her idea further.”
Give credit when it’s due: “Yes, chips in a sandwich tend to get soggy over time. That is a good point. Michelle also brought this point up earlier in the meeting, so I think that we all would agree that this issue is critical.”
Invite them to important meetings: “Michelle, will you present your plan to stagger chip insertion throughout the meal to preserve maximum crunchiness to the stakeholders at the next board meeting?”
Extra Credit: If you’re in a position of power, actively ask others for their opinions and input during meetings. By giving others the permission and the platform, you can support them in providing value to a project with their feedback and ideas. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey Michelle. Do you have anything to add here?”
2. SPONSOR SOMEONE: Use your own capital to give someone a chance.
Explanation: Since it’s called giving a “chance,” you may think it’s all just based on luck. But statistically, the privilege of being given a chance is not equal across the board. Managers are more likely to give a chance to someone who looks like them, and sometimes we don’t look like the managers. We can attribute this to simple narcissism or possibility something more sinister. But whatever it is, we can try and do something to correct the imbalance.
How To: Just give everyone a f***ing chance. They do not always have to deserve it. They do not have to exceed your expectations. They sure as h*** do not represent everyone in the minority group they associate with. Just provide different types of people the opportunity to push themselves, learn from an experience, and get their foot in the door. I know not everyone is going to impress you from the get go. But consider the fact that it’s possible that no one has ever given this person an opportunity like this before, and there may be some growing pains. But providing these growth opportunities to all different types of folks will ultimately result in a more diverse team.
Extra Credit: Put yourself out on the line for someone or use your assets to help them in their career. Put them up for a promotion with your endorsement. Share your network with them. Defend their value and capabilities if questioned by others. This is called being a sponsor. Go out there and collect that good karma that comes with helping someone.
3. STOP GASLIGHTING: Literally no one asked you to justify problematic behavior, so stop doing it.
Explanation: If you’re not familiar with the term, gaslighting is basically saying s*** that makes someone question what happened to them. It could be as seemingly innocuous as saying, “I don’t think they meant anything by it” or “maybe you’re reading too much into it.” But what you’re actually doing is telling someone their own experience isn’t real. Plus, you’re also saying that the person to change should be the offended and not the offender, which is pretty f***ed up if you think about it.
How To: For a second here I’ll give these gaslighters the benefit of the doubt and say that most people are just trying to go into problem solver mode to diffuse a situation. But if you’re prone to gaslighting, please just shut your pie hole and listen. Just hear the person out. Don’t make excuses for the perpetrator. Don’t ask the person to change to avoid the issue next time. Just attempt to be empathetic and really try to put yourself in their shoes. Chime in with a “that totally blows” or a “I would probably feel the same way” or (if it’s in your heart) a “f*** that guy.” Forget problem solving mode until you’ve gotten your gaslighting under control. The goal is to provide a safe supportive space for someone to vocalize their experience and feel validated.
SIDE NOTE: I’d like to take another minute here to define putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s not about using your own life experiences to determine how you might feel in a single experience or situation. It’s about considering the situation in the context of another individual’s experience as a whole. For example, it may not bother you if someone asked you how long you’ve been working and where you went to school. This may be simply small talk to you. You might not be offended, but the person on the receiving end of this comment may have to spend every f***ing day fielding questions like these just because they don’t look like how an engineer is “supposed” to look in the eyes of the dumba**es of the world. Their experience has taught them that they have to prove themselves “worthy” to these a**holes just to be able to do their job. So next time you have trouble empathizing, try sprinkling in some context to your borrowed shoes and see if that feels any different.
Extra Credit: If you witness gaslighting, you can step in and say something. While I am, like many others, a devout follower of the “mind yo business” philosophy, we can make an exception for caring about others. I’ve found that when my own reality has been challenged, having someone step in to be on my side and validate my experience has been really valuable.
4. DO BETTER: Keep yourself accountable for fixing your problematic behavior.
Explanation: So it can be really easy to fall into a trap of saying you’ll do better next time and not actually following through. We all know how New Year’s resolutions typically go. However, for the people on the receiving end of these biases, things are definitely not easy. It’s frustrating to keep fighting the same battles over and over again. And it shouldn’t be their job to keep you honest. It’s your job to work on fixing your problematic behavior.
How To: By reading this blog post (and getting this far in), you’re already working towards doing better. Good job! But let’s take it a step further. Take a few minutes right now to set calendar reminders for 3 months from now, 6 months from now, and 1 year from now. When your calendar pings you with the notification, count how many voices you’ve amplified, people you’ve sponsored, and gaslighting you’ve suppressed. How does that compare with the last time you checked in with yourself? Really make the effort to think about the ways you’ve made improvements and challenge yourself to do better by the next check in.
Extra Credit: Do your own research on how to become a better ally. Learn from other people’s perspectives (not just mine) and take the initiative to really do better. And then do what you can to help others to become better allies too! The world needs more of them for sure.
Happy New Year!